Stuff 15/12/10

Humor in bite-sized form

• The last thing I want in life is to hurt you. But it’s definitely on the list.

• He who laughs last thinks slowest.

• How come my dog is the only member of the family with a personal trainer?

• Sex is never the answer. It is the question. The answer is “Yes”.

• Who thought it would be a good idea to call a reading disorder dyslexia?

• “No, thanks. I’m a vegetarian” is not an appropriate response when someone hands you a baby.

• Few women admit their age; few men act it. 

• Diapers and politicians needs to be changed regularly for the exact same reason.

• Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

• A clear conscience signals a bad memory.

• A gift card is a polite way of saying “go buy your own damn present”.

• If you think that nobody cares that you’re alive, try missing a payment.

• If at first you don’t succeed, avoid skydiving.

• Dolphins are very smart. It only takes them a few weeks to train humans to stand
•  at the edge of the pool and feed them fish.

• The voices in my head are not real, but their ideas are pretty good.

• Just think how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

• A blind man walks into a bar…and then into a table

• The shinbone was designed to find furniture in the dark.

• Whenever I fill the Emergency Contact in an application, I always put “Hospital”
•  What good could my wife do